Filed under: Beliefs, Compassion, Practices | Tags: changing beliefs, Compassion, Open-minded, Wanda Sykes
There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming in the opposite direction, who nods at them and says, “Morning boys, how’s the water?” The two young fish swim on for a bit and then, eventually, one of them looks over at the other and asks, “What the hell is water?” (Excerpted from a 2005 commencement address by David Foster Wallace.)
Just like these two fish, we are all ‘swimming’ in beliefs and biases we don’t even know we have. The most obvious, in-your-face realities can be the hardest ones to see or discuss. Naturally, some of these beliefs were shaped by our early environment and conditioning, and conclusions we then formed about significant events in our life. Other beliefs were handed down to us by our guardians as gospel, and we innocently accepted them at face value.
Spiritual transitions give us the opportunity to question our thinking on all variety of topics, from the mundane to the sublime, and uncover where we have been operating by default. Fundamental religions promote a black or white, right or wrong mind set and it takes time to shift that habit. In my last post, for example, I wrote about uncovering an old belief I didn’t know I had about homosexuality, even though I’d long ago stopped believing that same sex relationships were a sin, as I’d been taught as a child. Wanda Sykes “swam” by me, told a joke and made me aware of the water. In that moment I was a bit freer, more open and compassionate.
I suspect most people would describe themselves as open-minded. By open-minded, I mean increasingly awake to habitual belief patterns, conscious and questioning versus operating by default. But how do you know that you really are open-minded? How can you become aware of the ‘water’ of your own beliefs and unexamined assumptions about yourself, others, life, death, God, etcetera, etcetera? This is an important question for anyone who has gone to great pains (and personal cost) to leave a religion and may harbor fears of making another mistake. After all that trouble, who wants to swap one dogma or delusion for another?
In my experience, two things work well as mind (and heart) openers. First, begin by intending to notice. Declare your openness—your intention—to become aware and awake. Admit you have antiquated beliefs, and things you don’t know that you don’t even know you don’t know. Cultivate the desire to see life with fresh eyes. If deliberate intent and willingness are present, noticing naturally follows. The brain loves this type of assignment and life presents endless opportunities to wake up. You might notice when you roll your eyes and what jokes make you laugh as you watch The Daily Show, or how you react to caused-related slogans on bumper stickers. Observe your judgment of that ‘selfish,’ gas-guzzling SUV driver who just cut you off in traffic, and the tightness in your chest as you wave your fist and shout out rude characterizations about his mother.
This practice of noticing might seem simplistic, but it holds the profound possibility of popping you out of your default mode. And if you’re anything like me, over time you’ll realize how many things you’ve been totally wrong, misinformed, half-aware or completely deluded about. It’s humbling and enlightening. Be patient with yourself and assume the kind demeanor you’d use to wake your best friend from a deep sleep.
Next, question your thinking, not with finger-wagging, but genuine curiosity. The mind was designed to collect data, assess, judge, and be right. But are you interested in being right, or in being free? That SUV driver might be rushing to a loved one’s bedside at the emergency room, or just received walking papers from his boss or wife. It doesn’t really matter how likely this is, asking the question introduces new grooves in the brain, opens you up to fresh thinking and loosens that tightness in your chest. This process also works with looming existential questions: notice, then inquire.
One of my mentors keeps a sign on her desk that says, “Don’t believe everything you think.” It reminds me to hold my beliefs and opinions lightly, with a willingness to review and revise, or to let go of them altogether. It’s not easy to do and if you’re like me, some days you won’t be able to do it or you just won’t want to. It takes practice, lots and lots of practice. But the payoff is freedom.
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